Falling

Falling

Slowly sinking into a deep dark hole
where no one dares to reach
so alone, so much in isolation
but I was there if they dared to seek

Holding on by a thread so very fine
a fine line between life and death
holding tight for such a long time
trying to keep hold of life’s pulse, with every breath

The arms that you really need to hold you
have passed, you feel so very alone
the love you need and the words you long to hear
if that silence was a thing, then it would be stone

The total fear of the things you once loved
your heart is torn in two
heartbreak, tears, self-doubt just won’t disappear
there is no one there, only you

You try to reach above and out of the dark
the sun is there, but you can’t seem to sense
you climb a little, fall straight back down
but you carry on, in the dark with so much pretence

You stay away from those you love
so scared of being hurt even more
if you keep everyone away, just keep everyone away
you won’t feel the pain like before

Your heart and head, just don’t feel the same
there is no hope left to keep you looking ahead
you wonder if things would be better
if you just disappeared, if you were gone, if you were dead

It seems to last forever
the downward pull of the grief and pain
you wonder if you will ever see or feel
the sun and the sky in the same way again

The world seems grey, all the colours have gone
no one really seems to understand
you want to feel safe, you just want to go home
this is not the life, you envisioned or ever planned

But slowly, you start to feel
slowly you start to lift
slowly your heart and mind start to heal
you begin to see life, once again as a gift

Fragile, broken, the glue starts to fill
those cracks underneath that veneer
you start to smile, and you start to breathe
you stop living daily, head down, and in so much fear

You start to listen, your healing has begun
you take in what you want and need to know
you lift your head, you actually feel the sun
you begin to live again, you begin to grow

You feel the senses that left you
you sense the feelings you lost
you know that there are those that stay with you
you know that their loyalty has come at a cost

You know that they wanted to help you
you know that they loved you the whole time
but those who stood on the sidelines
were probably a little weak, they didn’t commit any crime

You know that in the end life is not easy
you know that no one has the monopoly on pain
you know that some just cannot support you
you know that those who have will support you again, and again, and again

You know that no one is normal
you know that we all have armour that has been chipped
you know that we can’t be all things to everyone
you know that as humans, we are not perfectly equipped

You know that it’s ok, to not be ok
you know that one day you will
you know that when you are so deep within it
you know, that this time, will not stand still

You know that one day you will feel the sun
you know that one day the sky will make you smile
you know that you have come an awfully long way
you know that, with each painful, tearful, eventually hopeful emotional mile…

Written by Mandy Dineley – My Beautiful Pen 2019

Photo credit Sydney-Sims